A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
