Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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