And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
