Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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