On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
