she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
