Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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