TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
