You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
did i walk over a car last night?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
