What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
