so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
