just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
it glows. i had to have it.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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