you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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