It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
