dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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