I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
