you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My vagina is officially offended.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
