is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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