I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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