I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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