Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
