I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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