I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
