Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
the liver wants what the liver wants
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
