I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
