Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Fuck appropriateness.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
