i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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