I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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