My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
