Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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