Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
