What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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