So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We are all done wearing pants today
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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