:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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