If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize