My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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