got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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