There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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