this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Someone stole a lamp last night.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
ok first of all what the fuck
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
