The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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