i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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