areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
