god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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