You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
