remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Randomize
