he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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