so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Of course I have a pirate flag
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
