I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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