and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
