Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
we should paint friendship bongs
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
