Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
