Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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