ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
