he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize