If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
