I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
