I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
