Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
