Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
