Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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