I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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