I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
