I wish my penis had an off switch
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
