she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize