Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
