i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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