so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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