and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
