i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
