The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
