I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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