someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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